If you and your siblings fought like cats and dogs when you were kids, it should come as no surprise that you do not reach agreement easily when it comes to critical issues that involve your aging parents. Even people who usually played nicely as children can want to throttle each other when talking about Mom and Dad’s medical care or a nursing home. Here are some tips on how to handle family conflicts over aging parents.
Conflictus Interruptus
The best way to win the fight is to avoid it in the first place. As Ben Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Anticipate the issues you are likely to face and talk about them, before they become crises. People usually are more rational when emotions are running low.
Sometimes people will disagree with each other merely to be stubborn. No matter what position you take on an issue, they will, as a knee-jerk reaction, insist on a contrary result. If you discuss topics ahead of time and do not state your position, however, you might find that you and your siblings are closer to agreement than you expected.
Get Outside Help
Your family is not the first one to struggle with making group decisions. Thankfully, family counselors or mediators handle these situations for a living. Some people make the mistake of waiting until their relationships have suffered irreparable damage before they seek professional assistance with family conflict. Ideally, you and your siblings will talk with a family counselor or mediator while you can still reach common ground.
You Cannot Fix Every Problem
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you cannot fix everything. No matter how hard you try, you might not be able to reach an accord with a disagreeable sibling. Even though the issue under consideration might be vital for your parent’s well-being, you might have to step aside and let your sibling have her way. It will not help your parents for you to get sucked into your sibling’s drama.
Let It Go
Regardless of how your family members behave during the discussion and decision process, eventually this issue will be behind you. At that point, you should move forward. Do not hold onto anger or resentment. Holding a grudge will make you bitter and make your sibling think that he won.
Why Adult Children Can Struggle to Get Along
Old hurts die hard. If you feel that you did not receive fair treatment in your family as a child, you might experience a visceral reaction if you have to work cooperatively with these people as an adult. You grew up and built your own life, and might prefer not to have to interact with them.
You might feel righteous indignation about current unfairness if you think you are doing the lion’s share of the work of caring for your aging parents. You might push back against a sibling who tries to control everyone but does not do her share of the work.
Parents do not always treat their children equally. If your parent had an obvious favorite child who is likely to receive a disproportionately large portion of the inheritance, the other children might team up against any decision that sibling wants to make.
Meeting with an elder law attorney is another strategy for resolving sibling conflicts about parental care.
References:
A Place for Mom. “Family Conflicts Over Elderly Parents.” (accessed September 28, 2018 https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/when-siblings-clash-about-parents-care/
Good Reads. “Benjamin Franklin Quotes.” (accessed September 29, 2018) https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/247269-an-ounce-of-prevention-is-worth-a-pound-of-cure
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